Grief & Self-Compassion

“Bringing compassion to our suffering is an act of generosity. It helps us remember that we, too, are part of this breathing, pulsing world. We are reminded that, by the mere fact of our being here, we qualify for the soothing waters of compassion.” Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow 

Loss is an inevitable and painful reality of life. Grief is, by nature, a descent: into darkness, depths of experience, and expanses of emotion. Descent feels counterintuitive in a society so often focused on ascent, where we’re told we need to feel better, find solutions, focus on self-care, and “get over it.” It can be uncomfortable and counterintuitive to lean into an experience that we can’t “fix.” Sometimes our grief can feel like a huge, gray boulder in the center of a river. The boulder represents loss: immovable, heavy, permanent. But life, the river, continues to move and flow around the boulder. Grief asks us to hold both truths at once; the permanence of loss with the continuation of life.

Self-compassion offers another way for us to journey down the river of our grief. Simply put, giving ourselves self-compassion means that we gently acknowledge our pain and respond with kindness. Grief brings up an endless array of emotions we may not be familiar with in our day-to-day lives: anger, guilt, shame, regret, sadness, depression, or perhaps conflicting feelings such as relief. Self-compassion can help us give those feelings space, connect to the larger human experience, and treat ourselves kindly. Here are a few self-compassion exercises that may be comforting as you navigate grief. 

Self-compassion break

In moments where you’re feeling overwhelmed or flooded with grief, try taking a few moments for a self-compassion break. Allow your feelings to be just as they are, without trying to push them away or change them. Then, gently place your hand on your heart and silently say to yourself: 

“This is a moment of grief. Grief is a part of life. May I give myself the compassion that I need.” 

Repeat the phrases a few times while offering yourself kindness and compassion. 

Supportive touch

Physical touch is known to release oxytocin and help regulate our nervous system. We can offer ourselves the benefit of supportive touch whenever we need an extra dose of comfort in our grieving process. 

Begin by finding a comfortable seat and taking a few deep breaths. When you are ready, gently place your hand over your heart. See what you notice as you settle into your experience. Perhaps you feel the pressure or warmth of your hand. Maybe you notice the natural rise and fall of your chest as you breathe. Continue to stay with whatever sensations arise, and rest in the comfort you are able to give to yourself. 

If you are not comfortable with your hand on your heart, you can also try one hand on your cheek, forehead, or abdomen, crossing your arms and giving a gentle squeeze, or placing one hand in the other in your lap. Experiment with what feels supportive for you. 

Mindful nature walks

Spending time outdoors in nature can be deeply therapeutic, connect us to our common humanity, and increase our capacity for self-compassion. You may have access to places like forests, lakes, streams, or deserts, but we can find presence in urban and suburban settings too, if we take the time to slow down and notice. Try taking a walk in your neighborhood and paying gentle attention to your experience. Notice what the air feels like on your skin, hear the sounds of leaves crunching or birds chirping, see the trees swaying or the flowers in your neighbor’s yard. 

While walking, try finding a smooth leaf or flower and a rock, and holding one of each in your hands. Notice the differences in textures and weights as you walk. What is it like to hold both, the lightness and the heaviness, as you move through the world? Perhaps this provides a parallel for your grief, where you are called to hold the lightness of everyday living alongside the heaviness of your grief. 

Grief is a journey without a destination that we are all but certain to undertake in our lives, and in acknowledging that painful reality, we are able to connect to the shared human experience. Giving yourself the “soothing waters of self-compassion” reminds us that our suffering is worthy of kindness. 

Self-compassion break and supportive touch exercises adapted from Dr. Kristen Neff (https://self-compassion.org/).

If you or someone you know is interested in participating in a grief group, please see the flyer below for more information.